Thursday, January 11, 2007

Martha Ali vs Rachael Ray Lewis

Martha Stewart has challenged Rachael Ray to a boxing match! After finding that perky and young Rachael Ray is more popular among the people who actually have time to watch TV at 10:00 in the morning than herself, Martha Stewart decided to settle this new rivalry in the only fashion she knows how—boxing.
“It’s an idea I picked up in prison,” said Stewart. “If two inmates had a problem, the warden would whip out the 8 oz. gloves and off we’d go.”
Before Ray even responded to this bizarre challenge, Stewart began the propaganda war, ordering 2 million “Rachael Ray is Gay” pins and also ordering that Stewart’s picture be imposed on the figure of Uncle Sam and placed on one half of the nation’s public busses and subways.
“[Martha] really wants her popularity back,” said Martha Richards, Stewart’s assistant. “She didn’t take prison well, and with this Ray lady coming into the picture, well—it doesn’t look good.”
When asked about her first name being the same as her employer, Richards explained that Stewart required all personal assistants to legally change their first name to Martha.
“The last person to ask why disappeared,” Richards said.
Ray, upon receiving the strongly worded memo from Stewart promptly accepted this challenge and told her people to call Stewart’s people and set up the fight.
“I’ll have her done in a half an hour and surrounded by Triscuits, easy peasy,” commented Ray. “And all under twenty dollars!”
Stewart’s wrath was sparked by a poll by the American Polling Institute. One question asked the interviewees who they would rather watch for cooking and homecare. 63% favored Ray over Stewart, though when asked who the most feared talk show host was, 80% named Stewart over Star Jones and Conan O’Brien.
“It makes me feel good that I still have something going for me,” said Stewart. “Not as many people watch my show, but the people who still watch are afraid I’ll hunt them down if they stop watching.”
The fight was scheduled at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas for April 1. The fight will be at 7:00 PM with an after party and hors d'oeuvres which will be made by both domestic divas. Officiating for the fight will be Vice President Dick Cheney. He was chosen because though people might mess with Stewart, nobody would mess with Cheney.
“He shot a guy in the face!” said a bystander. “Even Bush is scared of him.”
Nobody knows who will win. Some favor Stewart because she was sent to prison, so she has “street cred,” but others favor Ray because under that unwavering smile and cheesy catch phrases could be a feral Neanderthal of a woman who will eat Stewart alive. We’ll see what happens on April Fools Day when the divas duke it out in Caesar’s Palace.

Just thought I'd put in a new post. I've been terribly negligent the last few months.

4 comments:

Radioactive Jam said...

From now on when I see Ms. Ray I'll think "feral Neanderthal of a woman."

Thank you.

Screaming Buffalo said...

Only happy to help Jam

wendela said...

For a sec there I thought you had a new gig writing for "The Onion". :)

archshrk said...

I'd like to see Rosie O'Donnell take on the winner (or both)