Tuesday, November 06, 2007

This is Screaming Buffalo, is anyone still out there?

Yeah, this is a filler...I'm just too ashamed to let the 28 weeks later post be the first post you see when you enter my site...New post coming soon...if anyone is still out there...

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

28 weeks ‘till I can actually walk outside at night

If you have seen 28 Days Later, or the new one, 28 Weeks Later, then you know what I’m talking about when I say ‘roid rage rabies. The whole concept of both films is that there is a virus called the “Rage Virus” that has taken over London. Lame name for the main antagonist right? well neither film gives you the time to ponder how creative the name of this disease is because there is almost this constant stream of startling scenes (as any good horror film has to have) and gore (again, any good horror flick necessity). Here’s the concept of the disease: the virus is spread through blood and/or saliva contact. When you contract it, you start projectile vomiting bloody mucus and you digress into this state of complete savagery and rage. You then proceed to run around trying to bite and/or eat other people and thus spread the virus. Now, the concept is simple enough, but words can hardly describe the state that these people are in. it’s almost like someone on steroids got mad and then got bit by a very rabid dog, aka, ‘roid rage rabies.
In order to have a good zombie/monster movie, you’ve got to have the people look scary along with their crazy “I’m gonna eat your fuckin’ hand off your fuckin’ arm” mentality. The people in charge of this department did very well. The infected, about a minute after contact, begin to get blood-shot eyes and, again, spew out the contents of their stomach along with about a pint of blood. So let’s recap. These people on steroids, infected with rabies now have hangovers to go along with an upset stomach—they’re pissed, as I would be, and evidently, the people kind of turn into rabid vampires—so they go on a rampage looking for blood that they can dribble down the front of their shirt.

In 28 Days, you see how the virus began. In 28 Weeks, you see how all of Britain has been quarantined and how the military hopes to rid the world of the virus by starving the infected to death. One person survived the six month quarantine and managed to keep her sanity, even though she was attacked at least once by one of these people though.

This is the basis of the movie. She, it turns out, is a carrier for the virus, so she doesn’t get sick, but she can still spread it. Obviously, since there is this whole movie, the worst happens and the virus gets out again. The military proceeds to shoot everything in sight (so now it’s a horror-action flick), and a hero is born when one of about thirty snipers decides he doesn’t like the target practice anymore and escorts a really hot doctor and two kids through a London filled with military exterminators and pissed off people with rabies.

Scared yet? Well if not, I highly suggest this movie. And if you know anyone that has watched either of the 28 [insert time period] movies, here’s a good prank:

Get some ketchup and put it all down your chin, like you just ate a ketchup pie without our hands, then get some Phizene tears or something that won’t hurt your eyes but make them bloodshot and put it in your eye, finally, mess up your hair and clothes, like you slept in your clothes and didn’t take a shower. Then, when it gets dark, sneak up to them, or even better, sneak outside a window, wait for them to look, scream and act like you want to give them a bloody hickey and hide in the shadows. I guarantee that, if they don’t shoot or try to kill you, it will be one of the funniest things you will see because they will, in all likelihood, drop a deuce in their pants. This is, again, a good movie if you like action, gore and horror. Go and watch it, just don’t sleep alone in the house afterwards.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Martha Ali vs Rachael Ray Lewis

Martha Stewart has challenged Rachael Ray to a boxing match! After finding that perky and young Rachael Ray is more popular among the people who actually have time to watch TV at 10:00 in the morning than herself, Martha Stewart decided to settle this new rivalry in the only fashion she knows how—boxing.
“It’s an idea I picked up in prison,” said Stewart. “If two inmates had a problem, the warden would whip out the 8 oz. gloves and off we’d go.”
Before Ray even responded to this bizarre challenge, Stewart began the propaganda war, ordering 2 million “Rachael Ray is Gay” pins and also ordering that Stewart’s picture be imposed on the figure of Uncle Sam and placed on one half of the nation’s public busses and subways.
“[Martha] really wants her popularity back,” said Martha Richards, Stewart’s assistant. “She didn’t take prison well, and with this Ray lady coming into the picture, well—it doesn’t look good.”
When asked about her first name being the same as her employer, Richards explained that Stewart required all personal assistants to legally change their first name to Martha.
“The last person to ask why disappeared,” Richards said.
Ray, upon receiving the strongly worded memo from Stewart promptly accepted this challenge and told her people to call Stewart’s people and set up the fight.
“I’ll have her done in a half an hour and surrounded by Triscuits, easy peasy,” commented Ray. “And all under twenty dollars!”
Stewart’s wrath was sparked by a poll by the American Polling Institute. One question asked the interviewees who they would rather watch for cooking and homecare. 63% favored Ray over Stewart, though when asked who the most feared talk show host was, 80% named Stewart over Star Jones and Conan O’Brien.
“It makes me feel good that I still have something going for me,” said Stewart. “Not as many people watch my show, but the people who still watch are afraid I’ll hunt them down if they stop watching.”
The fight was scheduled at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas for April 1. The fight will be at 7:00 PM with an after party and hors d'oeuvres which will be made by both domestic divas. Officiating for the fight will be Vice President Dick Cheney. He was chosen because though people might mess with Stewart, nobody would mess with Cheney.
“He shot a guy in the face!” said a bystander. “Even Bush is scared of him.”
Nobody knows who will win. Some favor Stewart because she was sent to prison, so she has “street cred,” but others favor Ray because under that unwavering smile and cheesy catch phrases could be a feral Neanderthal of a woman who will eat Stewart alive. We’ll see what happens on April Fools Day when the divas duke it out in Caesar’s Palace.

Just thought I'd put in a new post. I've been terribly negligent the last few months.