Thursday, June 01, 2006

It's a Bird...It's a Plane...Kamikaze!!!!!

Well I was reading TIME the other day and it was talking about a company of Marines in the most dangerous part in Iraq. They were talking about how they all were sticking there necks out every day because they never knew who the insurgents were or where they were and they always ran the risk of being shot. And then I looked up and there was a commercial for Superman on TV*. It showed this amazing fight scene where he (Superman) took out a missile and then a guy went to shoot him and it hit him in the eye…and the bullet (not the venerable Clark Kent’s eye) was crushed in on itself and it fell to the ground and an amazing thought hit me. What if Superman could join the armed forces?!! I mean, if an army company was ambushed, he could just charge right in and blast everybody to smithereens. Nobody could shoot him (well they could, but he wouldn’t get hurt), and he could kill all the insurgents**.

We all know of Superman’s powers, like a very high resistance to death and bullets, incredible strength, x-ray and laser vision and the signature flying that always comes in handy. So why not put them to use? He could fly over the field of battle, drawing RPG fire, so we know where the insurgents are. He could also fly on stealth missions because if he has x-ray and laser vision, I’d be willing to bet my dog’s life on the fact that he has binocular and infrared vision as well meaning that he could fly at night or in the day at high altitudes and still see the guys on the ground. Hey, he could even carry out bombing raids for us! He could be the bomb. He’s death-resistant. He could fly down into the heart of the insurgency and detonate his bomb pack. After the bomb was detonated, he could rush in and kill the remaining survivors.

But therein lies another problem, how are we going to have Superman carry out all of these tasks at once? Cloning of course! All we’d have to do is talk to George Lucas and see how he made the clones for Episode II° and then we could clone Superman like a thousand times for starters say, and give him the training he needs and send him on his merry, death-dealing way.

Not only would this save beaucoup bucks in our budget, we could start withdrawing troops from Iraq really soon. We could spend more time and resources on building a new government and finding the real terrorists. Thre would be exponentially less casualties because all of the soldiers in Iraq would be Superman! It's brilliant! Ah but alas, Superman is in hiding with Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa, so we can’t get his DNA, and I’m sure that George Lucas is still not ready to divulge the cloning secret as of yet. I guess we’ll have to wait for a little while.

*I watch TV and read at the same time. My parents think that I’m weird for doing this, but hey- I’m a media junkie what can I say?

**Another thing mentioned in the TIME article is that when a soldier captures an insurgent, they don’t go to jail for very long, and then they go right back into the Insurgency to be captured again. So it’s just easier for Superman to kill the MoFo’s now (better be safe than sorry :))

°Because we all know that he didn’t just use computer engineering, he still has some of the better clones doing his housework for him

BTW, who would win in a fight between Superman and Chuck Norris?